BRITS are signing up to controversial websites to meet strangers to have kids
with.
So-called co-parenting sites match single straight men and women, and gay
couples, with like-minded partners who are desperate to have children and
share the responsibility – but none of the romance.
Many couples draw up contracts stating the time they will spend with the
child, and their financial responsibility.
In a sign of the times, thousands of people are looking for love-free
parenthood, making arrangements with strangers.
Here DIANA APPLEYARD meets would-be co-parents as well as some
who have already taken the plunge, and Sun Agony Aunt DEIDRE SANDERS
gives her view.
‘Perfect solution’
MARTIA GARISE is 28, single and lives in Nottingham. She works in logistics
for a retail firm and says:
‘I WANT a baby — but not all the drama and hassle of a relationship, which may
fail.
‘Through co-parenting I know my baby will have a calm, responsible father who
won’t let me down.
‘I intend to work out all the details beforehand, so we both know where we
stand in terms of visiting, custody and finance.
‘I won’t expect any financial support for me, as I have a good job, but
financial support for the child.
‘Co-parenting is ideal because it means I don’t have to wait to find the right
person — I can decide when I want a baby. I’m now browsing the
website and getting an idea of the type of man willing to co-parent.
‘I’m really encouraged by how much choice there is and how intelligent and
articulate the men seem to be.
‘The last thing I want is a man living with me, saying, ‘You can’t do this, we
can’t afford it’ — I am a successful, independent woman and I know I can be
a great mum without needing to have a man living in, trying to take charge
of my life.
‘I aim to choose insemination artificially, certainly not naturally, and I’ll
want a GP’s certificate about STDs or genetic problems.
‘I think co-parenting is the perfect solution for a single woman like me.’
Gay couple
SAMANTHA MASON, 22, is in a civil partnership with Victoria, 24, who works
for a debt-collecting firm. They live in Preston.
Housewife Samantha is at home with their 15-month-old daughter Skyla, who
was conceived via sperm donor.
Victoria is pregnant with a second baby by sperm donor. They intend their
third child to have a co-parent. Samantha says:
‘WE have decided to have a co-parent for our third child together because we
want them to have an active dad.
‘We have the same sperm donor for both Skyla and our child-to-be but he does
not have any involvement in the parenting.
‘We think this is important because our third child won’t have the same
father, and it’s a relationship which I think will be mutually beneficial.
‘Victoria and I won’t expect financial support but it will be good to have
some for the child. There are going to be more and more children brought up
by gay parents in triangle relationships, so I don’t see why it should be a
problem.
‘Families now come in all shapes and sizes, and as long as the child is loved
and cared for by all their parents, then what is the issue? The baby will
just have three parents, not two.
‘When the children are old enough we’ll explain the situation, but children
are very accepting and by then they’ll be used to having a dad who only sees
them for part of the time and doesn’t live with us.
‘Lots of children whose parents have split up are in the same situation.’
Weekend dad
SINGLE 45-year-old Anthony Milne works for an interior design firm and
lives in West London. He says:
‘I DON’T have any children yet and I really want to be a dad. I’ve had a
number of relationships with women, but none has worked out. I had one
girlfriend who got pregnant but had an abortion, which broke my heart.
‘I decided there must be an easier way for a man like me to have a child. I
heard about co-parenting and thought, ‘That’s brilliant!’
‘It will really suit me to spend a weekend or alternate weekends with my child
then be free to work hard the rest of the time. So far I’ve made contact
with two potential mums through my co-parenting website.
‘I aim to have a relationship based on mutual love for the child and respect.
I think as long as you are clear-headed and draw up a good 7 agreement, it
should work perfectly.’
The pros of co-parenting
– You get the joy of being a parent, half the responsibility.
– If you have a demanding career you can negotiate the times you see your
child.
– It enables you to have a child without being in a long-term relationship,
with all the emotional demands of a live-in partner.
– If you can maintain a trustworthy and friendly relationship with your
co-parent then your child can be brought up by two well-adjusted adults who
can give equal time and attention to the child.
– You can get financial help with bringing up a child, rather than coping
as a single parent.
– You can choose very carefully who is to be the father or mother of your
child, without any romantic entanglements.
– Conception using home insemination – which many co-parents select as the
preferred option – is free and means no waiting for a sperm donor or IVF
through an expensive clinic.
…and some cons
– Many co-parents home-inject sperm with a syringe, which is highly risky.
Even if the father has a medical certificate to prove they are clear, STIs
and HIV can incubate for six months, and they may have a genetic disease.
– You are having a baby with a stranger and tying yourself to them for life,
as you will always be the biological parents.
– Even if you sign a pre-conception agreement about custody and finance, it
is not legally binding and the Family Court can overrule it if it thinks it
is not in the best interest of the child.
– Even if you start on good terms, disagreements can occur. Also, what might
happen if one of you finds a new partner?
– Co-parenting can be very complicated cash-wise. If you are named on the
birth certificate, you have financial responsibility for the child lIf the
child is born disabled, you have a legal responsibility to the care of that
child if you are named on the birth certificate.
Soon-to-be co-parent
By JAKE HATHAWAY
I HAVE already agreed to be the father for a young gay couple who live about
six miles from me.
One of the girls, who is 22, has already become pregnant through artificial
insemination using my sperm, but she miscarried very early, and we are now
trying again.
They are lovely girls, both from very stable and supportive families, and when
I met them I knew they were the right women to be the mothers of my baby.
I met them through the coparents.co.uk website, and we spent a lot of time
emailing then talking on the phone, before we met in a pub.
My biological clock is ticking at 36, and I just haven’t met the right woman
yet.
But I can’t sit about waiting for Mrs Right.
Sun agony aunt Diedre Sanders says…
NONE of us can guarantee that any children we have will be brought up by two
parents in a stable relationship that will last until they are adults, but
we mostly conceive them with that hope.
Even if the parents’ relationship later crumbles, it is important for a child
to know their life was begun with love and commitment – and even separated
couples can successfully parent together.
It is damaging for children to feel they were just born as an extension of
their parents’ ego, to people who used a website rather than cope with the
demands of a committed relationship.
Anyone thinking of starting a family this way should at least first go for
some in-depth counselling.
They need to understand why they are avoiding a conventional relationship to
be sure they are not just handing on their own problems to a new generation.