WEEPING football ace Clarke Carlisle revealed last night the road horror
that nearly killed him happened because he threw himself in front of a lorry.
The former PFA chairman and TV pundit told of his suicide bid and sobbed: “I
wanted to die.”
Clarke, 36, has battled depression for 18 months. The ex-Premier League star
spoke out to encourage sufferers to seek help.
The ex-Premier League defender’s world began to crumble after he was released
by Burnley in 2011 and realised his career was nearing an end.
Last December, after being told at a bombshell meeting that he was losing his
£100,000-a-year ITV Champions League pundit role, Clarke went straight to a
casino.
By midnight the 36-year-old — who had been struggling with depression for 18
months — had blown all the money he and wife Gemma had.
The final straw came just hours later on December 20 when he was charged with
drink driving.
Such was his depth of despair he wrongly told himself he would be better off
dead.
He said: “I had to die. This wasn’t escaping or running away. This was the
perfect answer.
“It made everyone happy and it ticked every box.”
With the help of treatment, Clarke now realises that he was not thinking
straight.
He recalled: “I walked out of that police station having made the decision
that I had to die.
“I sat in that cell and thought, ‘There is no way that I can let my children
have a criminal father.’
“I thought: ‘All you do is inflict pain. All you do is cause problems.
“Your wife and family who love you don’t deserve that.
“Everyone will be better off if I wasn’t here.
“Gemma would get some money from the house.
“The children wouldn’t have to explain or argue about how their Dad is such an
a**e.”
In a frank interview, he explained how just before Christmas he vanished for
40 hours and slept rough as he meticulously planned and rehearsed his
suicide.
Clarke told how he found a spot on the A64 Leeds to York dual carriageway,
picked out one of the lorries thundering towards him, stepped over a barrier
and jumped towards it “like a shoulder charge”.
It came after an agonising three days at his lowest ebb when he had
contemplated drowning, falling under a bus, diving under a train — and even
hanging himself at York City, one of his last clubs.
Clarke explained: “Nothing could be left to chance.
“I went to the Thames and thought about drowning.
“You hear about people being run over by buses but they’re never going fast
enough.” Clarke paid for a single train ticket back to York with the
remaining £70 in his pocket. He continued:
“I slept on the way home. There was no angst, no fear, no worry. I was doing
the right thing.
“I planned it meticulously. I got back to York at about 9pm. I did three laps
of the city. I walked to the benches by the River Ouse.
“Drowning is messy — people can jump in and save you. There are lifebelts.
“I went to the train station but trains are too slow. There are bright lights
and people can see.
“I walked past Bootham Crescent — my former ground at York City — and thought
about the irony of hanging myself inside the stadium.
“I booked into a hotel and I slept until 11am the following day.
“I got up. I was wearing my favourite jacket, a nice crisp white shirt,
trousers with some comfy shoes and my big grey overcoat with a scarf.
“I looked good enough to die. I checked out and for 12 hours I walked around
York, assessing where was the right place.
“I went back to the railway. I worked out which was the high speed line and
which was the chugger. The signals above showed when the high speed train
was coming.
“I laid on the tracks, waiting. The sign changed. I stood up and it was a
chugger. It wasn’t going quickly enough so I jumped back down.
“The lights changed again, I jumped up and it was a high-speed train so I
adjusted my scarf and stepped into the middle of the tracks. I was looking
straight at this train.
“I thought, ‘That’s not going quick enough — you’re not going to die this way
and it has to be definitive’. At the last second I threw myself out of the
way.”
After sleeping rough in the biting cold for a few hours until nightfall,
Clarke walked until he reached the A64.
By now his phone had died and he had been missing for two days.
He added: “Throwing yourself in front of a truck is a very difficult thing to
do.
“I saw the big truck. There was no rush. I walked up to the barrier, stepped
over it casually. The lorry was about 20 yards away.
“I thought, ‘You’re the one.’ I took two steps into the road and then jumped
into the truck, like a full shoulder charge. I can remember that impact.
Bang. Then lights out. I don’t know how long had passed. It must have been a
few minutes.
“I opened my eyes and I could see my hands in front of me and there’s blood
dripping down them. I thought, ‘You’re kidding me?’
“Somebody said, ‘Don’t move, mate, help’s on its way.’?”
Clarke was airlifted to Leeds General Infirmary. Miraculously, he had only
suffered cuts, bruises, internal bleeding, a broken rib and a shattered left
knee.
But as he lay in hospital, he was devastated: He was still alive.
He said: “I got overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment. Not
at what I’ve done, but what I’ve been unsuccessful at doing. I woke up and
wanted to go back to sleep immediately. I didn’t deserve to live. I’ve been
hit by a truck and I’ve got cuts.
“Admittedly substantial cuts, my head went twice the size, my eyes were
popping out and red, huge shards of windscreen in my face.
“I got a massive cut across my knee and road burns to my face — but I’m still
alive. The laws of physics dictate that I should have died.”
On Christmas Day, Clarke was admitted as an in-patient to a psychiatric unit
in Harrogate and placed on suicide watch.
He remained there until he was discharged last Friday. Breaking down, he
added: “This was the lowest point. Then I had an epiphany. It’s because I’m
incredibly unwell.
“I ventured out of my room not as Clarke the ex-footballer, but as Clarke, a
mental health patient.
“That was the first step in my road to recovery.”
Clarke spoke out in a bid to give hope to others suffering from depression.
As chairman of the PFA he was desperate to highlight mental health issues
among players.
After 16 years, nine clubs ranging from Blackpool to Northampton Town, and
more than 500 appearances the much-loved player could not come to terms with
the end of his career.
Despite becoming a pundit and working as chairman of the Professional
Footballers Association he was in turmoil.
By the summer of 2013 — and following the death of his friend and mentor
Peter Kay — he was drinking and hiding his deteriorating mental health.
He said: “Gemma can see a steady decline since I left Burnley.
“I missed a sense of belonging, a sense of worth and value in life.
“You see someone in the street and they’d say, ‘Didn’t you used to be Clarke
Carlisle?’
“I laughed the first few off but after a while it eats at your core. I used to
be something and I’m not anymore.”
Clarke is now having counselling, doing group work and has also begun a course
of medication. Police are taking no further action over the A64 crash. But
he still faces court in London accused of failing to give a specimen to the
police.
He concluded: “My road to recovery will be eternal. Today I am excited and I’m
confident because I’ve finally been truly diagnosed.”
I hurled my pain at Gem
CLARKE recalled how he refused to see wife Gemma after his suicide bid — and
then begged her to leave him.
He said: “My family showered me with love and I couldn’t take it. They were
there in my hour of need and I’m saying I need to die.”
Clarke told how his depression had a “catastrophic” effect on his relationship
with Gemma, 33.
He went on: “I couldn’t even talk to the one person I love most in the world —
my wife.
“I was totally devoid of any love. I was an empty vessel.
“Just before Christmas I was in bed for four days, desperate not to move,
answer my phone or speak to anyone.
“Gem’s come in to help me and because she’s so close I threw all of my pain at
her.
“She knew I was in a monumentally poor state but was helpless. I’m telling her
lies so I can go to my coping mechanisms — occasionally drinking to oblivion
or the sanctuary of a casino.
“Any woman in their right mind would have left me on dozens of occasions, but
she has been so strong and loyal.”
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article call
08457 90 90 90